


Sometimes I wish I could save you

by Ahsoka_Skywalker



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2018-11-22 00:30:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11368824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ahsoka_Skywalker/pseuds/Ahsoka_Skywalker
Summary: Bellamy and Murphy email each other a lot, but John doesn't know that the person he's been talking with for months is the one he hates the most. And Bellamy can't let him know it, because he'd be kicked out of the other's life for good, and Murphy needs him, because his mother hates and beats him, and John pretends everything is okay.





	1. Chapter 1

January 12, 8:32pm  
Dear sky_leader,  
first of all, I thought about this recently: your nickname is a little too self-indulgent, isn't it? But I suppose that you don't want to tell me your real name yet. Fine, mister not-your-business-what-the hell-my-name-is, I can still accept it, for now. So, how the things are going? In the last e-mail you told me you had trouble with your sister, how about now? I hope everything had gone for the right way. And, to answer to all your useless questions, yes, I'm fine. I should see the doctor tomorrow to remove the stitches. And, to answer to the other part of the useless questions, no, I won't call the cops. She's my mother, isn't she? I can't do that, man. It sucks. I'm really okay, after this accident she said she'll stop drinking, she'll get help. Yes, she says all the times, but who knows? Maybe that's the good one.  
Hope you are well, see ya.  
-John. 

January 12, 9:05pm  
My precious John,  
no, my name it's not important at the moment. What matters is your stubbornness. She sent you to hospital, John. Twice. She really can't make a distinction between what's real and what's not anymore. I'm really worried about you, and I know that we haven't texted for long, but I care about you. I see you at school with some new bruising, or some swellings, and I just go crazy. Please take care of yourself, you're so much more than what you show, and in these few months I realized that.  
Think about it,  
-You-self-indulgent-guy. 

January 14, 01:02pm  
Dear,  
do you realize that this thing that you know me while and I don't know you it's creepy and frustrating, right? Right.  
Anyway, I appreciate your concern, but things are getting better, I assure you. Don't make me regret I told you my shit, your apprehensiveness about me is moving, it really is, but useless. I'm okay.  
You, instead. You haven't answered my question: are the things between you and your sister going better? Let me know.  
-Your-I-can-stand-the-things-on-my-own-guy. 

''Can you?'' Bellamy asks to himself, his face attached to the monitor. The truth is that, no, John Murphy can't take care of himself. He keeps saying that everything is getting better, so why had Bell seen new bruising, today? He knows John's body, he observes him everyday, in silence, from distance, but he can see his breakage, his pain. When he sees Murphy's uncertain steps, his uncertain movements, he'd like to approach him, to keep him standing, to give him strenght, but he can't. He can't for the same reason he can't reveal his real name: Murphy hates him, and if he'd discover it was him the one he talked with for months, he'd just close everything, and Bellamy can not allow it. In those few months he managed to make a little break in John's armor, and he can't make any steps back. He sighs. He has to find a way to help him being“sky_leader”. 

**  
January 14, 2.36pm  
okay,smart one. My sister is fine, and so am I. She's with this guy, Lincoln, older than her, and I totally disapproves, but, yeah, she doesn't give a damn about it. So we keep fighting, but this won't get anywhere, and both of us know it. I just...Jesus, I'd really like she could be little forever. When is it happened? When is she grew up? I have no clue, man. I feel like...I don't know her anymore. First she was little, and sweet, and she wanted to be with me every second. Now she's completely independent, and I don't know how to act anymore. Am I a horrible brother? I don't know, we argue too much.  
Well, I talked enough about my shit for this email. I want to know about you, and yes, I'll keep asking you every damn time: how are you? Don't lie to me, I know when you're lying. Today, for example, why weren't you at school? I looked for you. What's going on, John? Tell me.  
-your-worried-guy  
**  
“Mom, I'm sorry, okay? Please, put the bottle down!-Murphy begged the woman in front of him, with his hands over his head, in a pointless attempt to protect himself.  
“You've ruined my fucking life, John!-his mother yelled, throwing the empty bottle at him, nailing his arms and making them bleed. John moaned in pain, his blood tricking down his arms from the new cuts, and some of it ended in his eyes.  
Please stop. Please.  
His mother began to hit him with a chair's leg. One of the several things that had been broken in that horrible maniacal attack. She hit him on the legs, on the back, everywhere. And Murphy wanted to scream, asking for her to stop, but what for? He could still feel the bottle's splinters inside his arms. If his own mother had wanted him to suffer, who was him to stop her?  
But you could stop her. You're not a child anymore, now you have the strength to stop her.  
Should I?  
Why?  
Maybe that's what I deserve.  
**  
January 16, 4:43 pm  
John,  
I'm really worried, please answer. You weren't in school today either, you didn't answer to my last e-mails, where are you? Are you okay? Please, John, I don't know if I'm overreacting, but I have a bad feeling. Answer as soon as you read this. Please.  
**  
Murphy comes to school only three days later, and it is the most terrifying view Bellamy's ever seen. John looks tired, defeated, with big blue circles around his beautiful eyes. A too large sweatshirt covers his skinny arms, and by the way he barely moves them, Bellamy can say there's something wrong. He's not so sure until he sees a bloodstain on Murphy's sleeve.  
Damn it. Bellamy's so angry at him, what the hell is his problem? Why does he keep hiding from him, from everyone? Why does he keep tolerating this treatment? Why does he keep pretending everything is alright? Just the sight of Miller stops Bellamy from punching the wall, or worst. He knows Miller is Murphy's best friend, and if there's anybody in the world capable to make John speak, it is definitely him.  
It's so painful watching all this from distance, but what else can he do? He can't talk with Murphy himself, he can't even talk to him through emails, because the other doesn't answer anymore. The only thing Bellamy can do now is to get closer to the two, and trying to listen.  
“John, man, you have to talk to me, okay?”Miller is saying, with an exasperated tone.  
Murphy seems to get it, because rolls his eyes, shutting his locker. “Why are everyone so sure I need some kind of help? I'm okay, chill off.”  
Now it's Nathan the one who rolls his eyes. “You haven't come to school for three days, John, and it is so evident you're not sleeping or eating enough. You're not taking care of yourself, you don't love yourself, and that scares the shit out of me”  
John looks his best friend in the eyes, and Bellamy can see a little hesitation in his look, like he'd like to say something, but he couldn't.  
“I got to go”he says, then, turning in the opposite way.  
“Wait, Murph”, Miller says urgently, grabbing John's right arm. Murphy groans in pain, and rips his arm away from the friend's grab.  
“What the hell, Murph? What was that?”yells Miller, grabbing the other's arm again and putting his sleeve up. The sight is so sad that Bellamy is about to cry, or scream, or both. John's arms are devastated, with cuts and bruises and fresh blood on the summary bandaging. Nathan doesn't know what to say at that view, and so hugs his friend, tight. So tight that Bellamy barely hears them crying. Murphy, for the pain and the humiliation, and Miller for his best friend's pain.  
Suddenly, Bell feels like an intruder in that intimate scene, and so he leaves them.  
“Please, save him”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry for the unforgivable retardation! I've been very busy lately, but I really wanted to post, so everyday I used to tell me "okay, tomorrow", but then, you know...Thanks to everyone who put a kudos on this story and to everyone else of course! As usually sorry in advance for any grammatical mistake you could find! Wish you the best <3

January 20, 4.45 pm   
Dear you,  
I'm sorry, I've been very busy lately and so I couldn't answer to your emails. I'm sorry if I gave you a wrong impression, I saw your concern and I really feel like a shit right now. I won't do this again, I promise. I read about the problems between you and your sister, and now I'm here, eager as hell to give you my opinion about it. I'm kidding, I'm a shit in these consolatory speeches, and certainly I'm not as good as you are, but I'll do my best. I don't know you personally, and you could even be a total ass for what I know about it, but I just can't believe that the person I've talked with in these months could be a bad brother. I mean, you even care about me, damn it, how could you, even when my mom doesn't? Man, you have to be one of those terrifying caring people. You're kind, selfless, careful, and these are the specific qualities to be a gorgeous brother and a passable human being. Trust me, she's growing up and she's dealing with the this I-can-do-everything-even-without-my-big-bro-because-I-am-an-adult, but it's a total showing off, she still needs you. She loves you, of course, she's just too proud like all teenagers are (I'm one of them, I know what I'm talking about).   
Sorry again for making you worry, I'm not worth it.   
-Your-stupid-sorry-guy  
**  
The first thing Bellamy discovered about Murphy, the first time they really talked, was that John wasn't so good to hide his feelings. Murphy would have never admitted, but he is a very shitty liar. Even through email, Bellamy can feel his pain from the few phrases he wrote without thinking about it. He literally betrayed himself, by those “you care about me even when my mom doesn't”, “I'm not worth it”. He basically shared all his hate for himself without noting it.   
Bellamy sighs, unable to be really mad at him, because he's like this too. After his mother's death, he had to take care of Octavia, keep going to school, and work. Nevertheless, he never asked for help from anyone, and he would have died before admitting that, damn, he needed it. Murphy's like him, but there is an important difference between them: Bell wanted to prove that he was able to take care of his sister on his own because of his pride, Murphy instead wants to all the costs convincing the others in order to convince himself. And this direction would have killed him.   
Bell thinks about the scene he assisted just yesterday, Murphy crying in his best friend's arms. How can he keep pretending? This thought fired him up.   
Without thinking, he opens the tumblr chat where they had spoken the first time. 

Sky_leader: You're lying. 5.23 pm  
John_M: What are you talking about? And why do you write here? 5.25 pm   
Sky_leader: I read your email, you're lying. You're not okay, and don't you dare to say you're not worth of my fucking worrying, because I'll kill you. 5.27pm   
John_M: A stranger told me he'll kill me. Should I call the cops? 5.33 pm   
Sky_leader: Sarcasm? Jesus, John, I thought we were over that. 5.35 pm  
John_M: It's a a defense mechanism to hide my own feelings, isn't it? A shitty therapist told me that. 5.37 pm   
Sky_leader:John. 5.38 pm  
John_M: What should I say to you? I don't even know. 5.40 pm  
Sky_leader: Tell me you'll take care of yourself. 5.43 pm  
John_M: I am. 5.45 pm  
Sky_leader: Don't fuck with me, John, I know you're not. I saw you and your friend, yesterday. I saw the blood on your arms, the bruises, the cuts. You're lying to me, Murph, and that's not how it should be. 5.47pm  
John_M: Tell me something about you. 5.50 pm.   
Sky_leader: What does this have to do with what I said? 5.51 pm   
John_M: You know a lot of things about me, but a part of your sister, I know nothing about you. So, if that's gonna be a conversation about my shitty life, I want to know something about yours, too. 5.55 pm  
Sky_leader: And then we'll be able to talk like adults? No sarcasm, no irony, no lies? 6.00 pm  
John_M: I promise. 6.01 pm.  
Sky_leader: Okay then. I'll send you a mail. 6.03 pm.   
Sky_leader is offline.   
*  
Murphy is testing him, for sure. You can't trust someone you don't know, can you? The problem is that Bellamy in those few months did his best to not share any details that could bring Murphy to him. But the question is, does he really has to? To be honest Murphy doesn't know him so good, since they've never talked so much personally, so practically he could say anything. They've never had a relationship, because John simply decided one day that Bellamy didn't deserve his time, and that they would have shared just Miller's friendship. For some unknown reason, Murphy hates him, therefore, he doesn't know anything about Bellamy. 

January 20, 6.23  
Hello John,   
Here I am, ready to share my boring life with you. As you already know, I have a sister. Her name is Octavia, and she attends to another school. Why? She thought it would have been better for her without her brother around all the time. Too protective for her social life, apparently. But that's not really my fault, I can't control myself when she's around. I've always been by her side, and I just can't turn this off. Our mom got sick when we were little. Octavia was just five, and so our mom took me aside and told me “she's your sister, so she is your responsibility”. I was eight, damn, what could I do? I just nodded and promised to take care of her, and I did. Then...six months ago, after years of evil medical treatments, my mom died, and the things did get...complicated. The social workers tried to take Octavia away from me, because I was just eighteen, but I didn't let them do it. I found a job, I gave myself a set and I tried to put everything together, included my sister, teared apart from my mother's death. What about my dad, uhm? Well, John, the truth is that I don't even know who he is. My mom's never shared this little detail with me, and I've never asked, because, sincerely, I don't care. I've never been one of those kids who needed a dad, I've never felt the necessity. I used to watch the other kids with their dad, and I've never felt pain, or emptiness, or whatever. I had my mom and Octavia, and that for me was more than enough. My mom used to come to my football plays when she had the strength to do it, Octavia used to come with me at every school's play and everything. They watched me with pride when I reached a goal, they comforted me when I was sad, they blamed me when I did some bullshits and they helped me out when I needed to. I've never felt alone, and I feel very lucky for it.   
Here it is, my life, my memories, all to you, John.  
*  
Here it was, all his life on a fucking virtual page. Bellamy passes a hand through his face, with a sigh. Will he have done the right thing? Who knows.   
“Bell”Octavia knocks on his door.  
“Come in”Bellamy answers, getting up from his chair. He welcomes his sister with a smile, but she doesn't return it. Her insecure attitude immediately alarms him “Octavia? Are you okay?”  
Octavia enters in his room with a hesitancy that Bellamy doesn't recognize. Her hands are tighten one in another, and she looks like she's about to fall apart. At this, Bell can't help but approaching her. “O, tell me, what's going on?”  
“I think...I kinda need my big brother right now.”she mutters.   
And Bellamy smiles, because Murphy was right. Octavia still needs him, maybe not as much as before, but she does. So, he simply opens his arms.   
“Come over here”he says.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so so sorry for my absence guys! I was supposed to update at september, but well, we all know how the things went. This chapter's not been correcting, so sorry for any mistake you could find, but it was really important to me to update as soon as I could! Sorry for the slowness of the chapters, but I want do this right. Hope you enjoy it, love you x

Murphy can't think about anything he could answer to sky_leader. First, he doesn't want to reveal his name, but suddenly he shares all his past? Sure, John asked him to do it, but he thought the other would have said something stupid, like his favorite color or shit like that. Are the things changing, perhaps? And if they are, is Murphy ready? For what he read, he has to deal with a bloody saint. Hell, how can somebody be so selfless, caring, and in peace after all he had gone through? He still manages to be nice with the others, with him, after everything.  
“I'm going to ruin him”John mumbled. “That's what I do, isn't it?”  
With a sigh, he passes his fingers through his hair, sometimes pulling some strand a little bit too hard. He's a fucking mess, what right does he have to break in the other's life and upset everything around? Sky_leader has already too many things to think about, and John has already ruined his mom's life for good, and now she hates him for that. What if sky_leader ends up hating him too? Murphy couldn't stand that. But what could he do? He surely can't stop talking with him, because the result would have been a disaster for him, he would have been devastated. He would have never admitted, but there's something comforting in the fact that he can simply turn on his laptop and finding a friend. Sure, he has Miller, who's basically his brother, but... they have known each other since forever, and honestly some matters are impossible to discuss with your best friend who knows you far too better. He's ashamed and frightened about what happens with his mom almost everyday, and when he talks about it with sky_leader, he can turn off the laptop and pretend that everything's happening to someone else, but with Miller he can't, because he can't be turned off. And Murphy knows that someday he'll have to talk with Nathan about all this shit, and sometimes he even wants to. But when the moment comes, the words just refuse to leave his mouth. So he have to keep sky_leader the closest possible. He's just about to write an answer, when he hears the sound of a closing door. Immediately John stands up of his chair to lock his room's door up. All he can hear before putting his headphone up, is the familiar clinking of glass bottles and uncertain steps.  
He closes his eyes, trying to ignore the yells that exceed the music. 

January 7.23 pm  
Hello “you”,  
I thought a lot about something smart I could tell you to reply at your email, but, you know, nothing came to my mind. The only thing I can tell you is: thank you. Thanks for sharing and for trusting, I know that's not easy shit to do. Now I know about what you've been through, which is a lot, and I admire you for how you handled everything, not everyone would have made it. So, I guess now I owe you something, don't I? A “serious talk”, right? Well, to start my mom is knocking at my door right now. I mean, not really “knocking”, more “trying to destroy my door with her fists”. Yeah, that's what she does, she destroys everything, and she transmitted this fantastic virtue to his only child. Thank you very much mommy. (I know, I know, no sarcasm, get it). You wanted to know about my arms, didn't you? Well, my mom threw me a bottle. A glass bottle. That's the truth, the truth I didn't tell to my best friend when he asked me about it. The truth I'm so scared to reveal, so ashamed...but that doesn't change the reality: things aren't getting better at all. Nothing will be alright, unless you know a way to bring my father back, and that could be difficult because, spoiler, he's dead. Surprise.  
I know I can't keep doing things this way, and I know that one day I'll have to front Miller, or even my mom. I know. It's just...so hard, you know. Telling this shit to someone would prove that it's real, and that's really happening to me. I guess I want to pretend a little longer. But not with you, I can't lie to you anymore, and I won't, not after all you've said to me. I promise.  
-your-grown-up-guy  
*  
Bellamy spends his evening with his sister, who's suddenly so little, so breakable, so not herself. Octavia's never been a real child. She's always been strong, and caring, and self-assured. Maybe that's the problem. She should have cried more, she should have been selfish and egocentric like all other children, she should have had the chance to be an annoying and complaining little sister. There's so much Bellamy would have wanted to give her, but he didn't manage to. He had tried his best, he's been the best brother he could, but evidently this's been not enough.  
“O, calm down now. What is it? Lincoln? Do you want me to kick his ass? I could, you know I could.”he says, hugging his little sister a little tighter.  
“I'm sorry Bell, I'm so sorry. I treated you like shit after all you've done for me and now I'm whining in your arms like a fucking baby”Octavia sighs.  
“You don't have to apologize. I know I can't be a little overprotective sometimes...”  
Octavia looks at him like he's crazy“A little?”  
“Okay, okay. I get it. A little too much. I'm just trying to protect you. You're growing up so fast, and I'm scared, okay? I can't protect you anymore like I used to, you don't tell me anything anymore. I'm in the dark and I just can think about the worst things possible.”  
“I'm gonna tell you everything. But you don't have to freak out. Promise to me.”  
“O...”  
“Bellamy.”  
Bell sighs. “I promise.”  
“Okay, there's the thing... I went to Lincoln's house to meet his parents”  
“And? Octavia, I'm sure they loved you, they...”the guy he's saying, but then, seeing his sister's face, he gets it. “Oh...they didn't.”  
“Well, not exactly. They acted just fine, but then, out of nowhere, his mother asked about my parents”  
“Oh no”  
“Oh yes. And when I offered them the short story of our little messy life, they asked me if it was appropriate being raised by my not-yet-adult brother”  
“I...”  
“No, I talk. I just asked them what that was supposed to mean. I told them about how great you are, about how you raised me just fine, about everything, and before I could control myself, I was crying”  
“Oh, O...”  
“And then they were staring at me, and I went away, and Lincoln tried to run after me to apologize, but it was my fault. I screwed everything up. I acted like a freaking child. They were saying a lot of shit and I just wanted to hit them both, but I just managed to cry like a baby and went away. I'm not as big as I declare to be, apparently”  
“You're not a baby, you're just emotional, Octavia. And they talked like that because they know nothing about us, about you, okay? But you don't have to like them, you're not with them, you're with Lincoln, and he loves you”  
Octavia smiles, hugging his brother back. “It's the first time I hear you saying his name without a disgusted look on your face”  
“Yeah, well, don't get used to it”  
“Maybe I could invite him on dinner”she says, looking at his brother like challenging him to say no.  
Bellamy's about to say that, no, he doesn't want his sister's boyfriend on dinner, he doesn't want her to have one in the first place, but then he thinks about it. He's too overprotective, too oppressive. And that only caused to make her sister distance from him, to talk less and less with him. So, swallowing his pride, he says “yeah, that sounds good, O”  
And, if that night Octavia sleeps again with him like when she was five, nobody must know.  
*  
The first thing Murphy thinks when he sees Bellamy Blake next to his locker is “fuck”.  
“It's not really happening”he moans, approaching the guy he hates the most in the entire world.  
“What do you want, Blake?”  
“Good morning to you too, Murphy. How are you?Oh, what about me? I'm fine, thanks for asking!”Bellamy answers, looking amused.  
John snorts, wishing he could end the other in that exact moment, with his own hands. “You're next to my locker”  
“You're not the exact centre of the universe. I'm next to Clarke's locker too. I'm waiting for her, if you're so eager to know.”  
“I'm not, but thanks.”he says, rolling his eyes. “can't you go wait your little girlfriend at a decent distance from me?”  
“What did I do to you, Murphy? I don't think I'm that bad, come on. What is it, eh? Hasn't your boyfriend called you back?”Bell says,  
No, Blake couldn't know that sky_leader hasn't mailed him back. He couldn't, right? Damn. He hates him so fucking much.  
“For your information, asshole, I do not have a boyfriend, and I thank God for that, because if you represent the category of today's guys, well, no thanks.”Murphy said, maybe a little too aggressively for his tastes. Then, he turns the back to the other and starts going to his first class.  
“I'm sorry, I was just challenging you a bit! Come on!”  
Okay, maybe there is a reason why Murphy hates him so much. The problem is that Bell can't really do anything about it. When John's around, Bell suddenly becomes a jerk. He doesn't want to, but he doesn't know what to say to him, he gets really nervous and just says shits like that. It's also true that Murphy created that situation, never giving to Bell the chance to show who he really is, always blinded by prejudices.  
“Bell? Was that Murphy?”  
Bellamy jumps a little, he was on the clouds as always. He waits to take back the control of himself, then answers “Yeah, Clarke, it was him. You know, your lockers are too close for my tastes”  
Clarke rolls her eyes. “What did you say to him this time?”  
“Nothing!”  
The blonde just throws him a look, that “I know you’re saying a bullshit” look, that Bellamy really hates. “Okay, maybe I told him something about a boyfriend, who I know he hasn't, and a non-answer from him”  
“Is that all?”  
“I acted like a real jerk”  
“You are”  
“Thanks”Bell snorts, leaning on a locker. He just wants to crash his head on something, really really hard.  
Clark smiles. “I mean, it's not the worst thing you've said to him. Are you sure that your alter ego has nothing to do with his bad answer?”  
“What?”  
“Well, maybe he sent you a mail and you didn't answer. Maybe, even if you aren't exactly his boyfriend, he thought to you”  
Yeah, Clarke knew everything. Bellamy never tried to hide her something, he definitely wouldn't have managed to.  
“It's impossible, I...”he's about to say that he always checks his emails before going to bed. Always. But then he thinks about the other night, about how he spent it with his sister, thinking to nothing else but her.  
“Shit”he says “Did I just bring my own absence up to him?”  
“I think you did”  
Okay, Bellamy has to find a fucking, deep hole to bury himself him. Really. Maybe Murphy finally shared something else about his past and he completely ignored him. Fuck.  
“I can't be so stupid!”Bellamy almost yelled, bumping his head on the locker.  
Clarke laughs. “I think you are, sky_something”  
“Sky_leader”  
“A little too self-indulgent, don't you think?”  
Bellamy smiles. “Yeah, someone told me that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hi people! I hope you're doing fine. So that's it, my first ff on this website. I really hope you appreciate that, and I'm so sorry for any grammatical mistake, unfortunatley I'm not english and I did my best! All comments are welcome in here and...enough. <3


End file.
